This article is the first in the relationship series as I believe the ability to deal with stress and to know oneself, know the signs when we become stressed and how to fulfill our own needs to the best of our ability is an incredible asset to have in our toolbox in order to maintain a harmonious marriage.
Stress is inevitable in our lives, the most important is knowing how to best deal with it. When stress is gone our differences are never a problem. Reminiscing about the beginning of the relationship, we remember feelings of ease, butterflies in the stomach and many joyful smiles. We can absolutely maintain that beautiful state, it just takes some education and discipline. In the beginning, stress is usually lower. Once the relationship unfolds and more routine and daily life difficulties settle in, stress increases.
Small disclaimer: These tips are meant to simplify and streamline the differences between the sexes and restore harmony while decreasing stress. They are by no means exhaustive. Knowing oneself and the other sex in general helps with becoming more compassionate as we can discover how similar our needs are, we just operate differently. Use the knowledge to empower yourself and your couple will have the absolute best chances to flourish, use it wrong and it will tank your bond in no time. Goodwill begets goodwill.
For example, if a man forgets a woman’s needs or a woman remembers a man’s mistakes it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. The problem is never just our partner but our inability to cope with stress. Instead of seeing our different stress reactions as a problem we need to recognize that our attempts to change our partners are most often the real problem. If we learn how to manage our own stress we have great chances at being on each other’s team instead of against each other. Unity and team work is always the goal in marriage!
All of us are influenced by our biological chemistry. When a man’s testosterone is stimulated and the levels are normal a man is more pumped about life, ready to take on the day and more attracted to his partner. Challenge stimulates a man’s testosterone. A drop in testosterone is often associated with irritable male syndrome.
How to deal with stress
How a woman can help her partner when he is stressed
Success or anticipation of success in a relationship fuels the rise of a man’s testosterone and sustains his interest in his partner. The more stressed a man becomes the more empty his mind becomes so communication at this point is counterproductive. Positive messages from his partner on the other hand lower his stress.
Easy victories motivates a man to do more. When a man can do little things and get a big response he gets the energy and the drive to do more.
Appreciating and accepting what he does or forgiving him for what he neglects to do sometimes is the most supportive way a woman can treat a man. These guidelines are general and what works in the broad-spectrum, I am trying to keep the concepts simple otherwise this article could easily be stretched into a whole book.
How to replenish testosterone as a man
After work, men need relaxation to replenish and recover otherwise they will keep going about their day with lower levels of testosterone. Testosterone stimulating situations include any of the following:
– Any type of goal setting
– Competition whether it is play, games, sports
– Problem solving whether it is fixing the garage door, the math schoolwork or investment portfolios
– Success with his partner, at work, with friends or being successful in his own eyes such as with a project
– Efficiency in how things get done
– Results
– Different types of short term and long term projects
– Bottom line
– Risk taking. Let’s remember a man’s hormones are designed for fight or flight so they are much better suited for risk taking activities than women.
Women become stressed when they don’t take the time to do what increases their oxytocin levels. Often, when a woman complains she is not getting enough support or feels like talking about her problems it doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate her partner but she is in fact attempting to cope by increasing her oxytocin levels.
Talking and sharing increases oxytocin. When women have plenty of energy they take great pleasure in their responsibilities.
Women become exhausted because they are not making enough oxytocin. As stress rises the body makes more cortisol and the solution is not taking more time to rest but doing oxytocin stimulating activities in order to produce enough oxytocin to cope with stress. A big error that women do is start scrambling to get more things done rather than generate more oxytocin because they often assume that doing more will finally allow for the opportunity to rest. It’s the stress that causes her to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
How a man can help his partner when she is stressed
– Messages of understanding and respect will nourish her.
– Small but often acts of help, small hugs throughout the day
– Encourage her to pursue some time off and activities she likes
– Take her on a walk or a hike, a car ride
– Help with the groceries
– Watch a movie together, go to the theater, a show
– Lunch dates or make dinner every
– Regular dates, conversations
How to replenish oxytocin as a woman
Oxytocin gets produced when a woman feels seen, heard and supported. Some of the many activities that help with increasing the feel good hormone are the following:
– Sharing and talking to friends, picnic or go for a coffee, cooperation on a project and collaboration
– Beauty such as doing your hair, a manicure, pedicure
– Have a routine that works for you in place, regularity and
– Read a book, listen to an audiobook, listen to music, dance, sing
– Meditation, prayer, journaling
– Arts, paint, quilting or whatever hobby you enjoy
– Pet hold and care for a pet, nurturing, showing affection
– Garden, groom the plants, organize areas around the house
– Time to browse in a store with no agenda
In marriage, in order to maintain feeling supported a woman needs to trust that her partner cares for her as much as she cares for him, this will increase oxytocin and lower stress. HOW she interprets his behavior makes all the difference, if she interprets him as caring then oxytocin goes up if not it goes down.
This positive anticipation is reversed when a woman expects more from a man than he can provide and disappointment reduces oxytocin. Instead, she should look at other sources of support because by expecting the partner to be the main source of stimulation to produce oxytocin she is setting the partner to fail. Suddenly the daily routine loses its magic.
Trauma and self sabotage does not let for the build up of oxytocin but this will be discussed in another article.
We must overcome the tendency for men to become passive and for women to become more demanding. In order to keep the passion alive we must do what works even if we don’t feel like it. By putting aside our own wishes in order to support another we make that person more special and grow in our ability to love. Understanding our different needs to cope with stress helps to make sacrifices become worthwhile. A woman’s happiness and energy come from oxytocin producing acts of nurturing and being nurtured while a man’s happiness and energy come from testosterone producing acts of making a difference.
The best thing I can offer my readers is the gift of empowerment and inspiration to get to know yourself better, because in knowing yourself you can show up as your best version, not only in marriage but in life as well. This is what I have personally learnt from experience, books and from other couples and I hope this article offered you the best tips for how to deal with stress in marriage and how to support your spouse as well.
Until next time, take care and much love!
SimplyLadyEvergreen 