Welcome back to the blog! Today we are continuing the Relationship Series with one of my favorite topics. Having a thriving marriage when divorce rates are 50% may sound like a ruthless joke and depending on where you find yourself in life, it can seem impossible especially if you have been burnt and hurt like many people’s hearts have been. This will NOT be another post about marriage and relationships meant to take you foreign paths and run after an impossible ideal such as “4 tips ensuring he never leaves” or “how to get what you need right now”. A successful marriage takes diligent work yet not the kind of work that sucks the energy out of you because it has this unique exponential quality that the more you work on yourself the more the marriage grows. There are so many tips I could list that build a strong foundation for marriage it would hardly fit in one blog post. I will try and share the most important pillars that will grow your marriage’s roots stronger:
- Growing intimacy
Intimacy in marriage is the stage where you get to share most of who you are with another person and they do the same with you. Intimacy grows as you and your partner share your feelings, emotions, thoughts as well as your darkness as you go through experiences both individually and as a couple. In a word, being vulnerable is the catalyst for growing intimacy. The best definition for intimacy which always gives me the chills is “into-me-see” and for that state to be reached it implies that both partners have to open up.
To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.
But it’s scary to open your heart, especially after having been hurt. However, what happens when people open their hearts? They get better. Intimacy is like the blossoming branches of a cherry tree and for the flowers to grow the tree energy has to be pushed upwards all the way from the roots; those sturdy roots which are crucial in getting to enjoy the flowers of intimacy are in my opinion the following: common values, continuous communication, honesty, humility, listening, respect, disagreeing productively, freedom to grow and make mistakes.
Without having common values it is hard to go in the same direction in life. Having many shared common values will help with taking difficult decisions later on in life and reduce friction and possible separation. Continuous communication keeps both partners on the same page and ensures they are up to date with what is going on in the household, with work, kids, with responsibilities, and with each other’s inner selves which leads us to the next root, honesty. Honesty goes hand in hand with trust and both are crucial to build a healthy marriage. Trust in a nutshell is ensuring you carefully manage all that your partner shared with you, doing what you verbally say you will do as much as possible and when upset or angry not divulging all the intimate details you know about your partner just to temporarily feel better. Humility is linked to honesty and it means recognizing that you can be wrong, that you do mistakes and in no circumstance start “one- upping” your partner at the expense of the relationship. Disagreeing productively is an art, is stating your beliefs and opinions without having to “cancel” or hate your spouse just for believing differently on one matter. Disagreeing productively is also a very fun and passionate way to stimulate the mind, grow and expand one’s universe as you get exposed to different ways of thinking and to ways of acting you would have not thought of before.
Lastly, another important key is to not keep your partner captive, leave room for freedom of being an individual and growing. Growing comes with mistakes and we have to allow each other the room for those, within the limits of trespassing and injuring our partners, of course.
2. Both partners putting God first and foremost
When both partners “respond” to a higher authority than themselves, a marriage can bring more bliss, peace and joy than any other partnership or project ever could. No person will ever motivate you enough to continuously grow, be kind and do the right thing especially in moments when you don’t feel like it except in the circumstance where you want to obey God and make Him happy.
What does putting God first mean? Having God as the authority you respond to primarily. When you obey God, He will often tell you what to say, how to behave and how to bless your partner in ways you may not have thought of because He is the one knowing both of you inside out. Putting him first also means sharing your faith with each other and also praying together and for each other.
When you are dedicated to growth, the more you work on yourself the better you show up and you will also be a better person for your spouse. He will give you advice when you ask for it, he will put books in your lap, articles, songs, art, people, anything He can possible use He will use in order to transmit a message and guide you.
3. Continuously showing up
To ensure a healthy marriage long term you cannot drop the ball once you “got” your partner. Both have to continuously want to make it work and be there for each other, focused and with joy. It is a marathon and not a sprint. Of course there are seasons in life where you may have less energy or other problems becoming a high priority but as soon as you can come back to your partner and ensure they do not feel neglected.
When things get rough or dull or stressful, try my husband and I’s favorite question in your marriage or couple:
How can I serve you/ what can I do for you?
Tensions leaves immediately, it is the fastest way to destress and feel confident that someone has your back and you can tackle whatever is in front of you to tackle. Please do not underestimate the power such a simple question holds. Do not let opportunities to show your partner how much you love them slide away, it takes resources to grow and maintain a relationship yet it is oh so rewarding!
There you have it, the top 3 pillars of having a thriving and peaceful marriage: working on growing intimacy, always putting God first and continuously showing up for each other! Until next time, much love! 🙂
SimplyLadyEvergreen 